THREE STRIKES AND I’M OUT? OR, THE THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM?
At the risk of sounding dramatic, there are days where I feel like it could easily be the last one. Like today. And there are more and more of these lately.
But, I’m feeling the pull to fight through.
I have obligations. Obligations that I welcome.
To the company I work for, which has supported me through this. I need to return their investment in me, in multiples. I’m pledged and committed to this (and present circumstances be damned, doing a pretty good job of it, if I say so myself).
To my friends. My support system. Just as they are my support, I am theirs. Funny. The sicker I’ve gotten, the more I’m doing to reach out to, and to be there, for others. If you need me, if I can help in any way… please don’t hesitate to let me know. And if you’re not reaching out because you don’t want to impact me, I appreciate that, but know this… helping you, helps me. I’m here.
And then of course, there’s my pups. Eos & Wilson & Snoopy & Moose & Yogi. I just can’t leave them, My proudest accomplishment of late –and this may sound crazy– is that I’ve put into place GREAT care for them in the event something is to happen to me. They’re going to an amazing place, TOGETHER, where they’ll be loved and provided for. My life insurance –of which my pups are the primary beneficiaries—partially provides for this. But more importantly, the people that have made this commitment to me are excellent people. All that said, and this may sound a little full of myself, but my babies would miss me too much. So, I need to stay here for them.
The cumulative effects of this radiation are just nuts. So much of the time now, I can barely move. But, I’m fighting the good fight. When I CAN move… I’m MOVING. Resistance training. Rowing machine. Elliptical. DDPY Yoga (Thank you Dallas and Josh!) Training and playing with my beautiful babies in our amazing, dogpark-like backyard. And when I can’t move, I’m still DOING. Meditation. Breath work. Gratitude journal. Stretching. Engaging with people in conversation on a deep and heartfelt level. Listening to good, uplifting music. Reading good, uplifting literature.
No more reading or watching the news. No sugar. No negativity. Eliminating toxicity in every area of my life.
I’ve gotta think that if I make it through this… WHEN I make it through this,,, I will be a better, stronger, fuller person than ever before. In every regard. And then this brain cancer-challenge-thing will have happened for a very definitive reason.
I’m just over two weeks into this second six-week round of radiation. The first six weeks kicked my ass pretty good. And then, in the four weeks after, while I waited for the benefits of that first course to kick in, up to the time of my latest MRI… I got sicker and sicker. That, apparently, is what radiation does. (At the risk of sounding crude, think of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and that the people there were getting sicker long past the dropping of the A-bombs).
Today, with the way I’m feeling, it’s damned near impossible to imagine four more weeks of five-day-a-week radiation. It’s hard to imagine being able to tolerate that much more dizziness, nausea, pain… just plain exhaustion. But as they say, what does not kill you makes you stronger. Right? Damned-well-fucking-RIGHT.
My first “life-threatening illness,” lung cancer, in 1977-1980, I was given a survival prognosis of pretty near 0%. In my last major illness, 2013-2016, during which I was given a two-month survival prognosis, I fucked up. BIG TIME, In my attitude, and in my actions. Or lack thereof. And as a result of my own inadequacies, the circumstances I manifested were a direct reflection of my attitude and my actions… homelessness, drug addiction, depression, isolation, being “crippled” (unable to walk). The ONLY things that got me through were Ramone and GoGo and Eos, and my unwavering conviction to take care of them. I was a violent, confused, uncontrolled mess, but the four of us, somehow, got through.
Today, I am at peace. Me & Eos –and Wilson & Snoopy & Moose & Yogi—share a beautiful home, and we share SO much love between the six of us. There is a beautiful shrine to Ramone & GoGo in our master bedroom. Amd to Marley & Dennis & Bangle too. I have the privilege of spending time with my dearly departed babies every day. I have a great job, and unlimited, exciting professional opportunities in front of me. I have spiritual, physical fitness and nutritional practices at a level I’ve never before enjoyed. And relationships. Deep ones. True reciprocal exchanges of energy, that I appreciate endlessly, and that contribute so greatly to keeping me headed in the right direction. Ed, Elaine, Eric, Jill, Joey, Mina. And others (if my radiation-addled brain has forgotten to name you here, please accept my sincerest apologies). YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE ❤
And here I am today. March of 2024. In the throes of “major” illness #3.
Three-strikes-and-I’m-out?
Or… the third time’s a charm?
I’m focused on the charm.