September, 1999, UPW at Mission Viejo High School

In a fundraiser for the school’s student council and its wrestling team, we pull out all the stops. It’s the first time we’ll videotape vignettes in advance and project them onto big screens. The vignettes –or “pre-tapes” as they’re called in the industry—set-up stories, so that spectators who are unfamiliar with the characters will know exactly what the story behind the match is. Tommy Williams is a stand out student at my school, Ultimate University, and the only student that can be classified as a Lightweight. Fortuitously, he is also an alumni of the high school at which we’re performing. Tommy has taken on the unfortunate wrestling moniker of “Funky Billy Kim.” (or, FBK, as we call him for short) Why? Because as a huge fan of all seventies pop crap, I love “Kung Fu Fighting,” and in the song, Carl Douglas sings about “funky Billy Chin.” (So, I screwed up on the name a bit. Oops, sorry Tommy!). Anyways, to get back on point, we’ve concocted a very complex “angle” story, where me –UPW’s evil owner- has been abusing FBK, and…we’re gonna battle it out at his alma mater. We produce a long, meandering pre-tape, which…actually works. By the time I make my entrance, with Tom Howard behind me, the packed house hates me. Especially after I kibosh the school’s principal in the head with the metal clipboard I’m carrying (yes, THIS principal is actually popular). When FBK make his entrance, with the school’s most beloved teacher at this side, the assembled masses go nuts. After getting my ass kicked from pillar to post, I end up winning through Tom’s cheating interference (the referee of course, doesn’t see Tom intervene). Distinction: this is far and away the WORST match in UPW’s short history, due entirely to me.

NEXT WEEK…

“Popping my UFC Cherry.” Where I lead 6’5”, three hundred pound homicidal behemoth Tony Halme, aka “Ludvig Borga,” into battle against a very scared, debuting, balding two hundred pounder named uh, RANDY um COUTURE.