Brain Cancer update (kinda-sorta ????), aka…

AM I TOO POSITIVE? (for my own good?)

I choose to be positive because I believe that speaking POSITIVELY, writing POSITIVELY, acting POSITIVELY… manifests MORE POSITIVE. Does That make sense? Yeah sure, I sometimes (rarely)find myself practicing the fake-it-to-make-it way of life but the net result of that again, is… yes…more POSITIVE! Weird? I don’t know. It works for ME.

In speaking with others one-on-one, and while I do my level best to keep things real, I find myself choosing to avoid my own negative (although there is VERY LITTLE “negative” in my life) because I do not want to compound or add to OTHER PEOPLE’S burdens. Instead, I’ll be your ultimate cheerleader. Not ignoring what YOU are going through, or minimalizing it. In fact… tackling it head on, but… choosing CONSTRUCTIVE ways to look at YOUR challenge.

During this six-months-of-brain-cancer thing, I’ve found myself being more-and-more of service to others, than ever before. It’s come naturally; a result, I think, of remaining energized, and because truth be told, I’ve found that helping others helps me. But, it’s dawning on me that I’m not as often as I should, making the right decisions about where I direct this energy. I have ONLY myself to blame for the “fallout…”

Regrettably, the cost of being “too positive,” I think, is that SOME others not only don’t reciprocate the positive, they feel free to unburden themselves; to dump their shit all over me. It never ceases to amaze me how fast people are willing (eager even!) to do this. There have been several times during the course of my brain-cancer-thing where someone, generously (I thought!) made a real point about wanting to come see me, to ‘HELP ME.” I DO very much appreciate this. They’ll almost always ask if they can do something for me, bring something. I’ll almost always say “no, thank you.” First, my beautiful pups and I blessedly have what we need materially (thank you Metaphysic!); and spiritually, I have a precious few (emphasis on “FEW”) who I can always count on to lift me up. Further, I’ve rarely over the past six months had the energy to get up enough energy for a visitor. But, as we are all human and make errors in judgment (I’m raising my hand high on that one!), I’ve every now and then welcomed a visitor outside of that very small circle. And then, during that visit (often many hours; TOO many hours!) several of these people have exploded on me with everything negative about their lives.

Recently, SOMEONE LITERALLY SAID TO ME, “Rick, you’re so strong, I know you can handle anything, so I know it’s okay for me to share with you.” (In other words… here comes the shit!). I mean, I have endless capacity to hear this stuff, right? Because I’m “SO strong.”

I’d like to think that if I tell you I’m going to do something… I’m going to do it. There are precious FEW people in my life, who are real about life while remaining predominantly positive, and who are consistent in their words and actions, including “BEING THERE.” I REALLY appreciate these good people. I appreciate them SO MUCH in fact, that it highlights to me how sad it is that this is such a minority in these times.

You hear so often these days that people are taking a “mental health break.” So much so, that it’s become a cliché. I don’t know, maybe I’m from another generation but honestly my reaction when I hear people “needing”
to take a mental health day (or days) because their friend’s brother is missing in Israel, or because they’re “bogged down” by the divisiveness in US politics —or whatever— is to just shake my head and kinda laugh. Harsh, huh? (And I support Israel AS MUCH AS ANYONE YOU KNOW)

Well, I think I’m going to take a “mental health break.” One that revolves around balance, and what —and WHO— I offer my energy and my “service” to.

Four times this weekend alone, people who made commitments to me, TOTALLY flaked. And to add injury to injury, that flaking never comes unaccompanied by a (usually long) message from them about how horrible and/or busy their lives are, using that horror, or busy-ness, as the reason (excuse!) for their flaking.
PEOPLE… HONOR YOUR WORD! Or… DON’T GIVE YOUR WORD IN THE FIRST PLACE. And if you HAVE to flake, just flake and shut up. No one gains by you compounding the injury by heaping all of your excuses on top of it.

And, if God forbid, you challenge them on their flaking –no matter how gently or politely– they often become downright indignant! I had one say to me, after I pushed back on their weak excuse (the word “weak” is my judgment)… “Try walking a mile in my shoes.” REALLY?!? Your shoes are ballet slippers compared to my combat boots. But, it’s not about comparison; it’s just about honoring your word.

I HAVE BRAIN CANCER. This comes with A LOT of illness, and requires A LOT of time —AND ENERGY— devoted to medical and health care, which I do on my own. I have a household and five dogs to support and care for, which I do on my own. I have a job to work, that no matter how sick… I’m working! I’m not complaining. I love life, and am incredibly grateful for what I have, and super-optimistic about where this all heading. That said, I assure you… YOUR LIFE IS NO HARDER OR BUSIER THAN MINE. I mean… hell… If I had a hundred dollars for every “you’ve got this” I’ve received over this past six months, I wouldn’t be so worried about continuing to be employed so I can continue to support my pups and myself.

I learned right in the midst of drafting this, that my close friend Shooter Tony Jones died unexpectedly early this morning. Tony’s mother passed in 2020, and his beloved daughter not long before that. During those times, Tony and I had many long conversations late into the night. He was, of course, incredibly sad. And with that, I was always struck by his presence of mind, brightness of spirit, by his realism. I was happy to be there for him and lend him
my strength, and at the same time, I was strengthened by Tony. Tony reached out to me several times from the time I first posted about my diagnosis. His messages were short… always full of love and offering support. They were REAL. Other than sending him a couple of voice memos, I didn’t respond. I explained that I just didn’t have the energy to engage. Tony came back, saying that he understood and respected my position, but reiterated that he was there for me if needed. We loved one another, which we both knew, so it’s okay that we didn’t talk. It does make me take stock though, thinking about the choices I’ve made about the direction I point my energy –my positivity—in. Rest in peace Shooter; YOU WILL BE MISSED ❤.

What else is all-too-frequently missing in today’s world… facing —and HANDLING— your challenges like a man! Or woman. Directly, realistically, with perspective. And yes, accepting —even seeking— support, but NOT making your suppprt system pay a price by MAKING YOUR PROBLEMS THEIR PROBLEMS. Whether that’s by spewing a torrent of “poor me” negativity their way, by flaking, or by whatever. And then heaping it on even further if your support system as much as mildly objects to your disregard or (mis)treatment of them, by going into a “how-dare-you-EVEN-question-my-fucking you over since I am having a ‘poor me’ experience!” rant.

So… ALL of this said, I pledge to myself this morning to remain not only VERY POSITIVE and ENERGETIC and STRONG, but to become even more so. Just, a WHOLE LOT MORE DISCERNING about where –and to whom– that energy, positivity and strength is directed…

(p.s. Eos ate the remote to our TV. I’m not feeling super-great, and all I wanted to do today was to watch some movies. Really not even feeling good enough to go to the store —I know, “poor me,” right? IF there’s a POSITIVE person nearby who’d be willing and able to pick up an LG Smart TV compatible remote, and come over and program it for me, please let me know)